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Not Understanding.

There is a lot I just don’t understand.

Especially, when it seems it could all be so simple.

& right now….

I don’t want to be awake while it maybe sorts itself out.

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Easy? Effortless?

When it’s real it’s effortless?

Did I really just read that? I don’t believe that to be true. AT ALL. Everything in my life has been real, and has taken major effort. Loss, Love, Health, Friendships, Marriage, Relationships, Jobs, Finances, etc… I could keep going…..

& that’s really just it. Nothing comes easy. NOTHING. It may for some, but not everyone is the same. My life has been pretty different from others, and they could say the same of me…..

Things shouldn’t be so hard? Right, they shouldn’t be, but guess what? Sometimes they are. My surgery recovery wasn’t supposed to be that hard, but it was FOR ME. My surgeon even was amazed at how much struggle I went through. So I really wish people would stop trying to make out my life and my situations as “oh it shouldn’t be that hard”…. because for me it always has been, that’s how I have stayed strong. It’s how I’ve learned things, and it’s taught me to stand up for myself even at times.



Just like a good marriage is worth fighting for….. a good grade is worth extra studying…..a better position in a career is to get a real degree…..a friendship is worth the constant communicating. In life, what you really want will never come easy. NEVER.

Do unto others as you would do unto yourself, love your enemies, WE ARE CALLED to do a lot of hard things in life….so please STOP saying, things should be easy and flow….. it takes, patience, kindness, love, grace, mercy, understanding, communication, etc… to make anything work.

….& what is best for me, is what is best for me & may not be best for YOU. What I want in life, may not be what you want in life. So that’s why we are called to love and not try to judge or accept anyone’s life but our own because we are all on different path’s. I am going through hell and for a reason. Maybe to make me stronger, maybe to show me something, maybe to show someone else something….I don’t know. But I will take one day at a time, and make no promises to anyone for what I choose & why. You either love and me and support me, or you can choose to miss out on ME. Because I AM TRYING. I AM SURVIVING HOW I KNOW HOW TO FOR ME.

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Seriously, though.

This last post for me, was about people knowing that I already know, that I am not perfect, I don’t try to be because I never will be. I can only strive to be the best me I can. I have made sooooo many mistakes, and wrong decisions that I can’t take back, but I do know I will NEVER make them again due to the loss and pain they caused me. Things happen for a reason, and God allows us to go through things so we can learn and grow from them. I believe that 100%.

I’m proud that at one point I was a Pastor’s daughter, and that I was raised to know that God is God, and Jesus died on the cross for my sins. I already know that I am loved more than I will ever know, by someone who died to know me. I have my faith. I have my heart. I know where I am going when I die. I also know that I have to trust “the process” God has for my life. I know that he knows the bigger plan, and that I should just relax and trust in it. Being human, though it’s harder to remember that.

I know that I can pray, and talk things out with Him. I’m thankful for being taught how I was, and knowing how I was created. Such a powerful love to feel that gives you hope, when you’re in despair & feel alone.


When everyone in my life has broken me, or broken a promise to me, I remember this! ♥♥