Someone asked me yesterday- “What do you want?” It’s been kind of a long time since someone asked me that, genuinely. I said, I needed to think about it. So much of me has changed, and some has stayed the same, that I think I needed to figure out which parts, so I could honestly answer.
Here are a few of the things. even though I have lost hope in a future of most of them, they appeal to me & are things I would love to have.
-A nice family house, with hardwood floors & carpet….decorated by me with all the things that I love & with pictures I took of the people I love that help me get to where I am.
-a Career, I can be proud of that provides for myself & my family.
-a new car, like a real mother would drive. NO VANS! YUCK!
-a side business/blog, like my photography again, because it’s a hobby and I enjoy doing it.
-to have at least one child, preferably A GIRL. & Yes, I already have the name picked out, and have for years! I just want A FAMILY, MY FAMILY.
-Most of all, a relationship with a man, who worships me, adores all my flaws & assets, accepts me for me but still chooses to love me in spite of it all. Someone who wants to make me laugh, instead of question things. Someone who makes me feel secure, like I’m the only person on the planet for him. Someone who has the want, to want to take care of me, ALL me- knowing how much that takes sometimes. Someone who see’s past my moods and facial expressions. Someone who can balance life, children and me equally. Someone who can’t go a day without snuggling or making love …..someone who believes that God is God and we are here because of Him. Someone who wants to allow me to take care of them just as much as he takes care of me…. someone who never lets me get bored & keeps me on my toes, while staying grounded.
-The last thing I want, is to not lose myself while life is working it’s way out, and showing me where I’m supposed to be, while what is good for me & what is bad for me, regardless if it’s something I love or hate. I want to still be me, through it all & to have that be okay.