A few days ago, I told Ryan about how I felt about myself. Where I felt, I was at in my life. Reasons, why I’ve been the way I’ve been lately. I wanted to explain the thoughts I had in my mind, that I needed to get out. He was worried about me. He cried. I told him about my struggles, questions I have for why things are happening to me the way they are. How I don’t understand what I did to deserve to be like this. He told me it was very hard to stand by & watch someone you love, just wither away. It was a very hard night. It was a good night though, because it made me feel closer to Ryan, and I felt our love get stronger as the night progressed. I went to bed feeling better, knowing I had him. I slept soundly, which is something I haven’t done in a while.
I’m actually a very private person, which is really strange, because I write everything down, & this blog isn’t exactly private. But I think it’s good for me. I’m not the type of person, to call a friend & tell them why I’m so upset, or dump all my thoughts, & cry to someone. It’s not a bad thing to be that way AT ALL. But it’s just not me. I actually hate it, when people text me, or ask me what’s wrong….because I’d tell you, if I wanted. I’m just that kind of private. It’s nice when my friends, tell me to call them if I need tim or they say, “I’m here for you”. ….I love that. It makes me feel good.
Really, there has only been four other people who I’ve really spilled my life to, just to spill. It’s my Mother, my two sisters, & Delaney. I’ve known her for over 20 years, and she is my sister. It’s not that I don’t care about anyone else, or that I don’t think my other close friends are not important, it’s just how I’ve always been. Ryan has really taken on the role of my next BFF other than Delaney, because he’s my everything.
I’m one of those girls, who is famous, for acting like everything is really great, when inside it’s not. I’m not going to lie about that. I’m one of those girls, that can do a really good job at being positive, be your up-lifting friend when it comes to everything!!!! But if you want me to talk about myself & be positive towards myself. It’s basically impossible. I don’t treat myself like a friend. I can’t think of the good things I possess. I’m VERY negative when it comes to myself. I hate everything when it comes to myself. I don’t really know, why this happens, but I’m not my biggest fan. This does make me sad, but I don’t know how to change it. I’ve been told I need to treat myself better, treat myself like I would my friends, but what does that mean? I don’t have the energy. My sister, Kristy, once told me that when she needs to be lifted up, or put in a good mood, she’ll call me & I can do just that for her but when she hears me talk about myself, it’s always really bad. It’s really unhealthy, but I don’t know how to fix it. It’s been hard for Ryan to stand around & watch. Wow, this blog is really personal. This is a big step for me, to write about.
But there it is. I am one of those people who has one of the worst self-esteem problems, you’ve ever even could imagine. I mean, seriously. I really want to post those things about myself that I hate, that I’ve told Ryan, but I can’t. That’s too big of a step.